I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
