She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
