Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
