I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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