if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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