Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Every concussion has its silver lining
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
