and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
