Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There r osticjed everywhere
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
