Plan B is the new Plan A
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
