Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
