put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
me + whiskey = a bad person
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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