omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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