Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
