I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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