Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
