Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
