I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
