i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
