Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
