even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
