hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
