The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
