mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
