She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
