thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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