that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
