Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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