at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
