Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
