wanna go halves on a baby?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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