I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
that may or may not have been my penis.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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