No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
