so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
