I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
