she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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