I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
