I puked a lego.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
