well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
