I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
