I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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