are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
