chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
