am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
