I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
