If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
