Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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