i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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