I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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