Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
