I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
